Most recurring arguments in relationships are a pattern — a predictable dance you both get pulled into, where you each experience the other’s habitual moves as threats to something important.
One of the most helpful things you can do together is to name that dance, because when you name the cycle, you move from Me versus you to Us versus the pattern.
Do this when you’re calm
At a time when you’re feeling connected and calm, take time to reflect on one of the familiar patterns you get into together:
What tends to happen first?
How does each of you respond?
What usually makes it escalate?
How does it typically end?
Approach this with curiosity and non-judgement. You’re mapping a cycle, not assigning blame or advocating for the parts of you that get hurt by this cycle right now.
It can be helpful to draw the cycle out so you can see how one reaction triggers the next.
Choose a non-pathologising name
Come up with a way of describing the cycle that feels neutral. The name should not:
Pathologise either of you
Assign motives that haven’t been agreed
Suggest one person is “the problem”
It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else. It just needs to make sense to you both. Maybe ‘the DIY thing’ or ‘the thing where we haven’t had enough time together’ will make sense to both of you right away.
Why naming the cycle matters
In Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Sue Johnson, the core idea is that the cycle is the enemy, not each other. When couples can see the pattern as something that happens to them — rather than something one person causes — defensiveness reduces and collaboration increases.
Naming the cycle helps you:
Create emotional distance from it
Interrupt escalation earlier
Feel like a team facing a shared challenge
Instead of “You always…” the conversation becomes “Oh — we’re in that thing again.”
When it happens again
When you think the cycle might be beginning, try gently naming it:
“I think we might be in the spiral.”
“Is this the thing where I get anxious and you pull back?”
“I don’t want us to get stuck in that loop again.”
The goal is to bring awareness to it so you have a choice about what to do next. Even pausing for a moment and agreeing, “Yes — this is that pattern,” can soften the intensity.